DO IT RIGHT, DO IT WRONG, BUT DO IT. Squeeze your eyes shut and jump. Because a wonderful thing happens then. Your focus shifts from yourself, your nervousness, and your imagined inadequacies to the task at hand.

Barbara Sher

Yesterday I walked 6.37 miles with John. It was partly cloudy, breezy, and in the mid-50’s. I wore a walking ensemble of everything I would wear on one of the legs of the journey for a test run (yup, including undergarments). It was boring- black pants and a gray long sleeved pullover- so I accessorized with a colorful pink scarf that has a black and blue/gray print (Thank you Cal. Thank you “wardrobe capsule”) I felt pretty good. Stylish and comfortable. I threw on a baseball hat and was ready to walk!

But first I had to do a little hiking fashion show. After strutting the cat walk in my klunky boots, John proclaimed (with a just a bit of sarcasm) that my outfit was “super cute.” Whew. He also commented that I was “focused on a lot of other things besides the task at hand.” Ouch.

He’s right, though. In two weeks, I have to walk 2 plus marathons in six days. I know that is nowhere near as daunting as the marathons Cal and Dave train for and run in one day, but the realitites of the walk definitely deserve a lot more consideration than I am giving them. I have bought all the blister kits, but I do spend more time worrying about being able to walk the distance then I do actually clocking the miles. Don’t get me wrong, I’m out there daily. John’s point is to be able to walk easily so that I’m more focused on the pleasure of the Way rather than the pain. Hmmm.

I realized my OCD around having the right clothes and my packing perseveration needed a little reflection so that I could focus on the more important tasks at hand. It happens with every trip. I’ve even noticed that John seems to work later and later in the weeks leading up to a trip. Could be wrapping things up in anticipation of being away. Could be me. You’ve all been witness to to my compulsions, so I know you know what I’m talking about and probably have a lot of compassion for John!

This is what it boils down to: thinking I have all the options for all situations makes me feel safe. Thinking about thinking I have all the options for all stituations makes me feel safe Having to put it all in a bag is painful. When I zip up the bag, there is relief that the process is over and fear that I’ve made the wroing choices (sometimes I even unzip the bag to peak). I do not like to make decisions because I do not like to make mistakes. And the only way to avoid making a mistake is to not make a decision. So to avoid the awful feeling, I procrastinate. I wait. And wait. And wait. I wait until the eleventh hour when I finally have to do something. And then I pack. Oh, the agony. One time I was so stressed that I went to bed at midnigt with nothing packed and work up at 4:30 am to get it done. We had to leave the house at about 8:30 am. John has questioned whether it is worth it to even go away. The whole thing is kind of funny. But kind of not.

So why am I telling you all of this? Because it’s real and the lack of safety feels real too. And I am going to use this blog to hold myself accountable. I will post a picture of my fully packed and zippered bag on Monday, May 13. That is a full forty-eight hours before I leave. I will have to deal with any feelings that come up during that time for what they are rather than thinking the clothes will keep me safe. I already feel safer. And now I can get to the task at hand…

A bigger note: Caroline completed a half marathon today and accomplished a personal best of 1:46:25! Congratualations Caroline!!! She also recommends the Brene Brown Netflix special and I recommend Brown’s TED Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o